Today I came out of the closet.
No, not the proverbial closet. I am very much straight and love men. On occasion, they can be a pain in the rear-end but every bit worth it. Men are wonderful. I am talking about a different closet… the spiritual closet.
For the most part, I kept my mediumistic abilities a secret (particularly from my family and those that knew me the longest). The reason for this was simple. I didn’t want to be judged and certainly not by my closest family. When someone important to me judged me, I somehow felt less loved or respected. I was scared of disappointing those closest to me. This fear fueled by the illusion of loosing affection kept me quiet for years. But as it often happens, the more we try to avoid something, the more it comes down crashing into our lives. That is exactly what happened to me. This week, the universe forced me out of my closet.
Ever since I was a child, I communicated with spirits. I particularly remember one elegant lady, in a beautiful, green gown. Her name was Kama. She would always be there to calm me down whenever I was too scared to sleep in the dark. As long as I was a child, she would be there to guide and comfort me. The older I got, the more speaking with spirit seemed to become a taboo for those around me. No surprise there, since my immediate family was Roman Catholic. Finally, I revolted because let’s face it: If I couldn’t be myself at the age of __ (yes, it’s blank on purpose and you will have to guess), than how could I possibly dream of enriching the lives of others? Finally, I decided to openly admit my soul’s path.
We are human, a beautiful concoction of strengths, vulnerability and challenges. We seek to please others and win their affection. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s beautiful to want to connect with others but unrealistic to think that we can please everyone. Remember when you started high school? How often did you dress, talk or act a certain way in order to win approval? My early high school experience was particularly confusing. Starting at four years old, I was trained as a classical musician. I love music. I love all kinds of music, not just classical. Kids at school would laugh at me for being “snooty” and liking “weird” music. My first attempt to fit in included rap and R&B. I liked it. However, you just can’t win! Rap was met by my dad’s judgment, who behaved as if I committed a crime. Evidently, rap and R&B wasn’t going to make everyone like me. Universal approval is a myth.
Once armed with a thicker skin, judgment and shaming became my pet peeves. These days I am not scared to admit that I love reggeaton 😱🤯🤫! Yes, many make fun of me for that but you know what? It’s music and it lifts up my soul!
Our image can make or break us. In modern times, many face the challenge of becoming the face of their brand. Imagine a successful CEO. What do you see? You might imagine a well-dressed, well-spoken, inspirational leader. What if I told you that this CEO’s passion was pottery? While pottery is a widely accepted hobby, did your mental picture change? Next, what if now you learned that the CEO loves cross-dressing (you see where I am going with this)? The more our society scorns at an activity, the more shameful it can be and affect not just the person, but the brand and lively-hood of many. Likely, a cross-dressing, pottery-loving CEO wouldn’t score any brownie points with the shareholders.
Earlier today, I drove to the gym. Admittedly, I am not a great multi-tasker, but did you ever try to put on a bra while driving? To my great relief, I stopped at a red light, which enabled me to flawlessly affect the change without flashing anybody. Proud of myself, I looked up and saw a green light. How come no other cars moved? I let go of the brake and looked around to make sure that it was ok to go. My eyes caught a half-smiling, open-mouth gentleman who was blissfully unaware of the traffic lights but clearly amused by my efforts. His raised eyebrows seemed to be waiting for some reaction… maybe a sign of embarrassment? I smiled and pressed the gas pedal. We all feel the pressure to keep up the appearances. Image. Image. Image.
As a medium, I occasionally receive messages from the ultra-judgmental. I refuse to respond to mean messages. Judgments matter more, when they come from those that we care about. How would I feel, if I received a critical message from someone I cared for? That’s exactly what I found out this week when a message from my mom appeared in my inbox.
“My dearest G*d, what a terrible shame! To finish the best schools, that others only dream of, and finish as a witch that in collaboration with the demons, scams people for money. To bring onto them and oneself, the dark forces!
Human Intuition and psychological abilities are limited. There are barriers which you can’t cross, those are reserved for G*d. It’s at this point that demons and evil spirits appear masquerading as those that passed.
You are bringing a curse on yourself and your entire family! A curse that will last for generations…
You are guaranteed a mental disorder and possession.
Come back to Jesus Christ. Only Jesus is our Lord and Savior.
Get out of this shit that you’re wallowing in.”
No comment was necessary. I felt sad and emotional. I felt slight surprise, since two months ago I mentioned my spiritual activities. My mom was aware of my spirituality but perhaps a family member or a friend noticed and she felt ashamed once it became more real. The truth is, there was nothing wrong with my mom’s reaction. She reacted within her beliefs and likely with the best intention.
The truth is, there is no shame and I am not a witch. I don’t scam people. In fact, I so often go out of my way to help. Not everyone believes in what I do. I am fine with and will respect that. Everyone assigns a value to their time and this is not scamming. It is not scamming to put a price tag on the time we spend at work. I am upfront about my time and what I see. I don’t claim to see everything but only that which is shown to me. Every spiritual worker is different, special and has something unique to offer. Yes, there are imperfect people that may try our patience, but such exist in every profession. There is no curse and no mental disorder (that I know of). The only insanity was my effort to preserve a fictitious image of myself in order to be liked, accepted or loved. The truth is, those that truly love and respect me will accept me as I am.
Finally, I chose to open the closet door and come out! The light is much brighter on this side of the door. My conscience is lighter and the future looks brighter, day-by-day.
Is this surprising? Sincerity is light. Shame, guilt and fear are heavy, constricting emotions that I simply refuse to engage with anymore. I am a good person and well intended. Of course I deal with my own challenges (such as impatience) but if I make a mistake, I always pray for the opportunity to atone. My spirituality is not a mistake or wrong. It’s who I am. I take pride in my sincerity and feel a bit like my own superhero today (cheesy but true). I aspire to work with love and all the lightness of being, that I am capable of.
With blessings and gratitude,